Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Thanks But No Thanks

Dear members of the committee,

I have decided to withdraw my name from consideration for this years Emmy awards. While I appreciate the thought I believe the competition from the awards might take away from my ultimate goal of becoming the president of the United States. While some say it is impossible for someone like me to become president with no real experience or track record, I want to point out I once saved a cat who was stuck in a tree.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Announcing my Candidacy

I am throwing my hat into the race for president of the United States of America. Having reached the age of 35 and being born in the United States I qualify for the position. While my name will not be on the ballot in any of the fifty states, the District of Columbia or Puerto Rico, I will be relying on my supporters to write in my name.

The details and goals of my administration will be addressed in future bloogs but rest assured I am committed to balancing something, And fixing that other problem you know the one with the leaky roof. Oh and free lunches in the White House Kitchen, that will be sweet.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

San Diego Trip?

A couple of days back I tagged along to San Diego on one the wife's business trips. Getting off the plane I was looking for a Greeting of Sunshine and Bikini clad taxi drivers, instead it was overcast and cold and the taxi driver wore a beard. Well so much for going to the beach or hanging out poolside.

Deciding to make the best of it, I spent the next two days inside the hotel only stepping outside once, when I took a wrong turn at the hotel bar. A bit shocked I scurried back to the hotel room and ran myself a bath to soothe my nerves.

Back home in Oakland, the Sun is shining and birds are chirping. Now where did I leave my Speedo?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

One of those days

It was one of those days today. Not sure if it was the unseasonably cold weather or something was just stuck in my craw. I was going to be miserable to be around today. With no gumption to be productive I decided to take my annoyance out on my dog Omie. Since she is often the cause of my grief, today I would be the cause of hers.

As you can plainly see, she is an easy target when she sleeps.

With the shovel so close I could have easily buried her body after a well placed shot to the back of her head with said shovel. Alas my moral self took over and I merely sprayed her with the hose and sent her scurrying into the house for cover.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Birds and the Bees

If you are looking for a sordid story of an anatomy lesson, you will soon be disappointed. Today while shoving a load of laundry into the drier, I heard an ominous buzzz floating through the back screen door. I did a double take with my ears and imagined an enormous wasp landing on the roof. Curious to find out if all the years of loud music had finally caught up with me, I went outside to investigate.
Standing on the back porch I saw a few thousand bees zig zagging across the backyard. I went a little closer but then a couple of the bees flew into my hair and got caught, so I retreated to a safer distance. After about ten to fifteen minutes the bees settled down on my neighbor's plum tree. The sight was pretty amazing a massive pulsing blob of wings, eyes and stingers. Eventually the weight of the bees broke the branch they had perched on and they lay on the ground for a while until they decided to swarm a couple of doors down to settle in a big red wood.
I must admit during all the confusion I almost drove to Orinda to buy a bee box and a bee keeping suit in order to tame the wild storm. Think of all the free honey not to mention the stinging welts. Oh well maybe next time.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

All Things Chicken

First it was beer cans, now I cook with a brick. Butterfly chicken, smash it flat onto a sizzling fry pan and then add insult to injury by pinning the poor bird down with a brick. I am looking to cook my next chicken with an motorized leaf blower. Any Ideas?

Friday, March 14, 2008

Stuck In My Room

I am not sure what my problem is but when ever the cleaning lady(Jane) comes over I always hide in my bedroom upstairs with the dogs. Its not that she is mean in fact she is quite nice. The dogs need to be kept away from her because they can mess at about the same speed she cleans. When they are together it becomes this weird stalemate. A few hundred hairs fall off their bodies Jane breaks out the vacuum. Dirty paws scramble across the hard wood floors out comes the mop. You get the picture. I could just leave them locked in their crates and go watch some tv but it seems wrong, when a relative stranger is cleaning last nights marinara sauce spill at the stove. So here I sit waiting for the sounds of cleaning to end so I with the pooches can go nose around the down stairs and do what we do best.

Monday, March 10, 2008

What can't beer do?

Its official, beer can do most anything. Refreshing taste, smooth finish, and in its stale form it kills bugs. Shove it into the body cavity of a chicken, throw it into the bbq for an hour and the chicken falls off the bone in a flavor explosion. See the enclosed photo for proof. If you look closely at the photo you can see the chicken is perched atop the beer can on the cutting board.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

pour something out for Sweetpea

After spending her life ripping up couches and crawling up sleeves. My beloved rat Sweetpea was put down a couple of days ago. Sweetpea grew up in my studio at Mills college where she had her first rat wheel and rat sized tankard of beer. When my time was up after two years she moved to my friend Ginelle's studio in the Headland's, where she lived until it got too cold and Ginelle's mother gave her a home in San Francisco. She recently became sick and Ginelle's mother took Sweetpea to the vet on several different occasions. After a brief stay in the ICU, Sweetpea was sent home for several more weeks of running around the house in San Francisco. Unfortunately her illness reoccurred and after all measures were taken and failed, Sweetpea was put to sleep. I did not know it was possible to become attached to a rat, but she had a wonderful playful personality that no one was able to resist. Sweetpea had many admirers for a rat and I am sure she will be missed. Sweet Pea was proceeded into the great beyond by her good friend Bun Bun who died last year

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


I have decided that instead of writing a blog, I am writing a bloog. It just kind of rolls of the tongue with less offense. Blog is like the sound of a projectile vomit. While bloog is more like a tasty Swedish dessert. Yummy.

Thursday, February 14, 2008


One of the best things in life is cured meats. Today I had a five pound hunk of pastrami mailed to me from the Niman Ranch Farms. Since I live in a house of vegetarians, the onus is on me to finish it myself. With one sandwich down, the delicious saran wrapped carcass is sitting, inside the refrigerator waiting. I should be excited but I'm not sure what I have gotten myself into. How many sandwiches can one pastrami lover eat? I might not sleep well tonight.